Elaboration

Nothing especially exciting happened today so I thought I should tell you more about the craziness that happened on Saturday.


3 minutes and 47 seconds.
That's how long it felt like, but I would later learn that it was closer to 6 hours.
You see, drinking 2 litres* of Dr.Pepper (even if it's diet) is not a good thing to do when you're a hyperactive teen, like me, running around downtown. My friends are now even more concerned about my mental health.
I'll put my experience into stages for you to more easily understand.

STAGE 1-Extreme Paranoia
Standing around the store, drinks in hand, you become genuinely afraid that everyone is going to gang up on you and spill all their liquids onto your frightened and crippled body.
My solution: run. Run and hide behind all the cars because crazy, murderous teens are out for your Dr.Pepper blood.

STAGE 2-Climb
At this stage, your primitive urges from back in the monkey days kick in and all you want to do is climb. Like: "Oh my gah! If I don't climb something soon, I will start to bleed the rainbow out of my toenails." Yes, it's that important.
So you climb the nearest tree or brick wall, jump down, and repeat. Do this until the primate inside of you is satisfied or until you break a foot or eyeball or whatever.

STAGE 3-OMIGODINEEDTOLICKTHAT!
So now another urge kicks in: the urge to slide your tongue against everything in sight. A fire truck, a policeman, a nuclear silo; it doesn't matter because you're main goal in life is to cover the universe in your saliva.
Unfortunately your "friends" fear for your "health" and destroy your hopes and dreams of ever drooling at the top of the world.

STAGE 4-Run!
By now 3/4 of the pop is gone and the pent up, fake sugar energy has reached its peak and needs to be released out your pores or you will explode into a blob of red-brown amazingness.
So you start to run downhill; trip over something tiny like a ladybug, a leaf, or a rouge helium atom out to steal your wallet; get back up and continue to run like zombies are after your child. And you're so out of it that you don't realize you're bleeding profusely from your shin.

STAGE 5-Shake It, Shake It (Hoo-Ha!)
Now you're bouncing off the walls. Literally. The car you're in shakes up and down and side to side like someone's having violent sex in the backseat, but it's just you trying to do your best impression of Justin Bieber singing to Lady Gaga.

STAGE 6-Oops...
You finally realize that your shin is bleeding and you have a conversation about how you're gonna spread AIDS to the world.

STAGE 7-NomNoms
You gotcha have your noms. Extreme hunger racks at your brain, your stomach, your bloody shin, and your ears (which are begging you for a tomato even though your mouth and brain disagree with this craving and instead get buffalo wings and ice cream).Now you are full and happy and refueled with sugar and spice (hell, I'll even throw in everything nice) and you're ready to hit the town once again.

STAGE 8-The Mall
Okay, who doesn't enjoy messing around in the mall? It's like dancing on rainbows with David Schwimmer. Amazing. You put on costumes (ex. a cowboy ninja with an eye patch, pimp cane, and toga), play with the dollar toys, and stare creepily at the fish in Pet Smart like you want to rape them so hard. Plus there's: SHOPPING!! <3 STAGE 9-Board Games
All you want to do in the world right now is play Twister, but no, Mexican bingo is at the top of the list instead. You get frustrated and angry, but eventually you start to play Candyland and you find Lord Licorice to be "freaking amazing" and can't stop staring at him. And then you start playing with little children and you creep even yourself out and start feeling pedofile-ish.

STAGE 10-The Park
So you're innocently driving to a park at 10:00 P.M. and you walk past the drug dealers to reach the fun part. Slides and swings and- are those monkey bars?! Epic. It’s all fun and games until someone gets a concussion. Of course, that person is me and my head still hurts. Then you leave and walk through the marijuana smoke and someone has whistled and someone has touched your butt. Awesome.

STAGE 11-You Have Finished Your Quest. Have Some Candy.
You go home while tears are rolling down your cheeks because of your Dr.Pepper drunken stupor. You go to your room, eat some dark chocolate while reading about the Holocaust, and then sleep. ZZzzzz...

So there are my 11 Stages of Awesome Hyperness, and I am extremely angry at myself for stopping on an odd number when 10 was right there. You know what? Just forget about the stupid bloody shin and STAGE 6. You don’t need to know you’re fatally injured. Fuck your life
There, fixed it.

Yeah, that’s all pretty much a true story so I hope you enjoyed.
Sorry about the depressingness of my first few posts, but my future ones will be more like this.
*litre is the Canadian way to spell liter. woot Canada and the metric system.